May 11th

Things...have gotten harder.

I feel like all the blogs I read are so upbeat & exaggerated. 

Maybe that's what presses me to write exactly how I feel at the time regardless of how depressing I may sound.

I know that i've never been the best at talking about how I feel so writing, I'm told, is the next best thing.

I watched two seconds of a tv show I had never seen and don't know the name of.

Something someone said resonated with me.

Something along the lines of "women in there 20's have a million excuses of why they can't do it" which is why a lot of women don't figure things out until there 30's. So she said.

 I'm at a stand still in life & I don't know what's next.

I'm afraid to turn the page.

I say "I can't" to a lot of things.

I've done that so much in the past & am filled with regrets over it.

I have a lot of "I wish's"

I wish I would have accomplished more by now.

I wish I would have gone to more than a community college.

I wish my family never had or has to struggle with money.

I wish I could say that I've never felt like life was passing me by.

The truth of it is, Things don't change themselves. 

If I truly want to get over the hump I have to make it happen myself.

I can't keep waiting around & hoping that everything will magically fall into place.

I have to put it all there.

I have to stop saying I can't.

 I also want to say that I am so thankful for everything that I have.

My husband works his ass off for his family- sometimes from 4:30 in the morning until 7:00 at night- and STILL comes home and helps cook dinner, clean up, bathe & put Evan to bed, and so much more AND is even talking about getting a 2nd job to save more money for the new baby because of how much he knows I am struggling to find another child to watch. I appreciate him so much. He is the hardest worker I know.

He also fully supports me going back to school once the baby is born. That would put him watching both kids by himself as soon as he gets home at least 3 nights a week so that I could start January 2013. We've got a long road ahead of us. Things are far from perfect. One day we'll get there.

xx,

Gretchen