To whom it may concern:

Dear blog,

I'm sorry I neglect you so much.

Even after promising again & again I won't It's just one of many promises I always break.

I have real commitment problems with 90% of the things in my life.

It's hard saying so publicly when I have no idea who is reading. 
I also have always had a real fear of judgement. 

Maybe that's because I've been judged so much in my life that it's hard for me to throw in the i don't care what anyone thinks anymore towel.

Growing up I've started to care less & less, but not enough to say it doesn't effect me at all anymore. 

I think that when you get married & have kids, whichever comes first, people expect you to morph into a different person. While I'm the first to admit I wasn't perfect through high-school, & had a hard time finding myself until halfway through rob & I's relationship, I like the person I am today. And I want my kids to know the real me, not some made up sensored version of me.

A lot of things have been weighing heavily on my heart lately that I feel guilty about.

Not things here at home, but things with friends in the past. Things I didn't even realize until reading about.

There have been many people in my life that I have called "my best friend" few of which actually were.

My first real best friend was probably my cousin. She screwed our family over & that ended abruptly. It was hard for my sister & I because the three of us were inseparable since we were pretty much babies. I soon learned how manipulative she was & was actually relieved to have her out of our lives so my sister & I wouldn't be influenced by her anymore. I blamed her for a lot of the things I did. The way I treated my mom. The attention problems I had. The low self esteem. I forgave her a long time ago but I doubt I will ever forget the pain & problems she caused me and my family. It's hard to see she still talks to my brothers on & off. They never saw or heard much about what she did. They were too young & left in the dark which made sense. She actually even contacted Heidi about getting together about six or so months ago. I guess if she's willing to forgive her enough to be friends or even aquaintances with, I should at least give her a chance. Thinking about being in the same room with her makes me sick to my stomach.

I know the Bible says to love your enemies. But does that mean you can't dislike/never want to see them ever again too? Ugh. Moving on.

So my first non-family related BFF.. We hung out every day it seemed like. While it's hard to remember most of what we did, it being so long ago, i still have fond memories of bike riding down butt's station road, family vacations to ohio (because her parents were my second parents) & sleepovers & boys &light posts & mating calls & everything else in between. She was the big sister I was looking for in my real big sister. & I seemed to have found that in her. She was strong & opinionated & everything I needed at the time. She is married with two babies now. I'm proud of her & thankful for the friendship we shared as kids.

My next bestie was her long distance bestie. Once she moved here we immediately became close. We were all three always together for the longest time. Then of course there was jealousy from each end & things began to get destructive. Such mean little 14 year olds we were. Something about my friendships with these two girls had been inescapable throughout middle & highschool. Sure, there were many, many ups & downs but we all three still managed to hang in there for awhile. It's hard to say whose fault it was that things broke up... I think we all played equal parts in the way things went after high school. I met my now husband, & my priorities 180'd. Yes, there were lots of friends in between, but these two really shaped who I was for years. Unfortunately toward the end of my high school career I met a boy who had quite a few issues at hand. He sorta brought me down with him. Not something I want to talk about. I wish him the best. yada yada..

So back to the story,

Its hard for me to say why things fell apart with us. & truly hard for me to remember. I'm sure you could tell me why. I'm sure there are more than 12 reasons. I'm sure most of them were my fault. I wasn't a good friend. I didn't always know how to be happy for someone when I was unhappy myself. I guess the real word for that would be selfish. That I was. & I know. & I feel like by the time I finally realized that it was too late. & part of me had stopped caring because I thought you did too. & another part of me didn't feel good enough to be your friend anymore. Even though it seemed like that's what you wanted, you had a funny way of showing it sometimes. I'm sure I did too. It's all hard to remember. & Even though we live totally separate lives now I hope you will accept my long awaited apology. & this might all sound weird coming from me when we have been perfectly fine long distance friends since Rob & I got married more than 3 years ago, but I feel like that part was never talked about. &  I needed it to be. Especially after spending 3hours on our old xanga/myspace & lj's last night. So there it is.

   

& That's quite enough for one day.