May 11th

Things...have gotten harder.

I feel like all the blogs I read are so upbeat & exaggerated. 

Maybe that's what presses me to write exactly how I feel at the time regardless of how depressing I may sound.

I know that i've never been the best at talking about how I feel so writing, I'm told, is the next best thing.

I watched two seconds of a tv show I had never seen and don't know the name of.

Something someone said resonated with me.

Something along the lines of "women in there 20's have a million excuses of why they can't do it" which is why a lot of women don't figure things out until there 30's. So she said.

 I'm at a stand still in life & I don't know what's next.

I'm afraid to turn the page.

I say "I can't" to a lot of things.

I've done that so much in the past & am filled with regrets over it.

I have a lot of "I wish's"

I wish I would have accomplished more by now.

I wish I would have gone to more than a community college.

I wish my family never had or has to struggle with money.

I wish I could say that I've never felt like life was passing me by.

The truth of it is, Things don't change themselves. 

If I truly want to get over the hump I have to make it happen myself.

I can't keep waiting around & hoping that everything will magically fall into place.

I have to put it all there.

I have to stop saying I can't.

 I also want to say that I am so thankful for everything that I have.

My husband works his ass off for his family- sometimes from 4:30 in the morning until 7:00 at night- and STILL comes home and helps cook dinner, clean up, bathe & put Evan to bed, and so much more AND is even talking about getting a 2nd job to save more money for the new baby because of how much he knows I am struggling to find another child to watch. I appreciate him so much. He is the hardest worker I know.

He also fully supports me going back to school once the baby is born. That would put him watching both kids by himself as soon as he gets home at least 3 nights a week so that I could start January 2013. We've got a long road ahead of us. Things are far from perfect. One day we'll get there.

xx,

Gretchen

 

 

 

Monday blues

First day of the week = shit.

I had a dentist appointment at 8:am this morning resulting in another wisdom tooth extraction.

I am so puffy & numb & also starving.

Liquid diets are stupid.

& As much as i'd love to enjoy a starbucks coffee, I wouldn't be able to taste it for another 3-6 hours anyway.

Good news is I no longer am in any pain.

& if I am once this numbness rubs off, I have lots of baby safe pain pills.

(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

& in just a few days will be back to normal.

Rob is taking the day off to hang with me & help with the kiddos.

We're heading to the mall compliments of Shannon Davis

She provided free cheekini undies from VS plus $10.00 off bra's coupons.

So Rob is totally excited.

Hehe.

jk.

Okay, maybe a little.

I also have two FREE chickfila chicken sandwiches.

What are the odds that I would get two in one week?

Totally awesome.

& After just dropping $120.00 on my tooth I'll take all the free I can get.

My coupon binder has cob webs on it. 

I should probably get on that.

The problem is once I start it is nearly impossible for me to stop..& then I feel guilty for spending two hours on $7.00 worth of coupons. I need to schedule things better. Or just schedule things period. Other than doctor apps & things involving Evan I'm horrible at planning anything. 

More later
<3

  

Time flies

 This time Tuesday I will be 1/4 of the way through my pregnancy. 

 I'm so thankful for all the people who have taken part in celebrating our soon baby.

While there's plenty of people who still have no idea, I kind of like it that way.

It makes it more special for those of you who do.

Because there are very few surprises in life,

We have decided not to find out the sex.

We have also decided not to announce a name until we have seen our baby.

 I personally don't even want to pick up another baby names book for a very long time.

So I know I promised baby pics, however.. I can't seem to remember which book I put them in to straighten out. Soooo it's a good thing my OB has copies!

Next baby doctor appointment is coming up on the 22nd.

Did I mention I absolutely LOVE my new prenatal clinic?!

Because I totally do.

It's such a big step up from the shitty medicaid covered health clinic I went to with Evan.

I'm so lucky my husband is providing enough so I don't ever have to step foot in that shit-whole again.

Don't get me wrong, its costing us a pretty penny to be where we are. But worth every cent.

We haven't completely decided what we'll be doing once the baby arrives as far as housing goes.

Our lease is up Feb. 1 2013 So we will *hopefully* be in a house of some sort either here in NC or up in VA. 

I also won't be working for at least six weeks.

That part might be a little rough on the bank account.

I also won't be going back to childcare.

So who knows?

This baby has changed all of our plans.

It was hard to accept at first.

I'm nervous.

anxious.

excited.

overwhelmed.

cautious.

worried.

sick.

tired. 

There is a whirlwind of emotions going on with me.

Rob is so positive.

I wish I were more like him.

I keep going back & forth.

Some days are easier than others.

We need to get back on a budget.

I am kind of scared to death of depleting our savings account.

I need to find another part time child like, yesterday.

It's been just Evan and Carrigan for almost 2 months.

It's been nice.

Minus the pay-cut.

After getting our tax return I got waaaaaaaaay too comfortable with just the two kids.

& Ever since I started looking again I've been stood up twice.

F'n Rude.

It's Carrigan's 2nd Birthday.

Evan & I decorated the apartment & I spent the first hour of the day blowing up balloons.

She loved them.

We love her.

I've been writing this post on & off since about 8:00 this morning.

So it needs to end.

BABY PROOF

 

 

 

Around the house:

I don't have much to say. Just a few things I've captured over the last week.

We had a good time in Virginia.

The Avett brothers concert kicked ass.

& now these stupid allergies are kicking my ass.

I bought a pair of awesome jeans while I was in chesapeake. I also left them there.

Most things about pregnancy are horrible.

I'm only two months & I'm already over it.

With one thing or another I have been sick every single day for the last month or more.

I want to crawl into a whole & hibernate until December.

As much as I can't wait to meet this little person inside of me, I'm dreading the heated summer that lies ahead, The gazillion pounds I'll probably gain, & the sleep I'll never catch up on.

Surprisingly, I'm actually looking forward to the labor of it all.

I enjoyed watching Evan be born.

They set a mirror up for me and it made it so much easier to push.

I know it sounds crazy, But I'd rather go through labor 9 times then 9 months of all things pregnant & that is truth.

Lunch time.

Posting ultrasound pics next :)

The avett brothers

We are packing our bags & heading home to Virginia. Rob had a change of heart once he found out the Avett brothers were playing in concert Saturday night & my Dad had already bought the tickets. We love them. & we are friends with their dentist. So the only logical thing to do would be to go, of course. Looking forward to that + some stellar oceanfront views & any & everything else in between. My grandma who usually makes & serves us breakfast, lunch & dinner every day that we're in town is out on bed rest. I'm positive that this will be the first time in my entire life this has ever happened. Rob has already planned to wake up early Saturday am and throw on the apron. He's not as good as grandma, but he gets the job done.

I'm looking forward to seeing my sweet baby nephews. I've only seen Dylan I think 3 times his whole life. His smile is growing with him & gets bigger each time i see him. Love love love those little boys. Evan loves his cousins too. They are the first names that come up when I tell him we're going to Virginia. I'm so happy my sister and I our having our kids at the same time. Heidi and I never really had cousins to grow up with. They all lived too far away. Minus one whose name shall not be spoken. She wasn't a blood cousins though. So it never counted anyway.

I'm hoping that one day we'll be able to move back to Virginia. I'm hoping that will be sooner than later. I get that North Carolina has a much better economy, job market, housing market, and many other things. But when it comes to missing my family, it's easy to say which matters more. Surprisingly, Rob is actually more set on moving then I am. Yes, I'd love to, tomorrow even.. But financially we need to be here for awhile longer. It just makes sense. I'm not willing to struggle & live pay-check to pay-check just so we can spend all of our money renting a tiny shack in va beach. I'm just not. Here we could be sooooo close to buying a house if we decided to stay. But it just seems so...final. You have to live in the house you buy for 5 years to get the tax credit. 5 years is a huge commitment. It's A LOT to think about. Decisions, Decisions..


The laundry is calling.
More soon.

Tortilla soup.

Today has been...cold,warm,hot,cloudy,rainy,stormy& now bright & sunny.

Weather, WTF?

Can I just make one little, tiny request?

Can the next three months please try to go by as quickly as possible?

I'm so ready for our family vacation.

& 9 day's of relaxation in the sun.

Unfortunately there won't be an alcoholic beverage in my hand..But that's quite alright.

I'll catch up in seven months ;)

 

& now I am soooo on my way to panera to pick up some chicken tortilla soup.

Cravings, you win.

8 weeks, 2 days

I am entirely over the chain of events that occurred last night.

& in an attempt to start the forgive & forget process I should probably not be blogging about them.

I need a break in a big kinda way.

I'm excited for Va beach this weekend. 

I'm not excited that I'll only be there for 2 days & 1 night.

I'm looking forward to a quiet & perhaps beach-y Saturday.

I really wish I could just take next week to relax with family.

I'm pretty sure there's no way to make that happen.

I'm really bummed with myself for still not getting the new glasses that have been on my to-do list for Oh, four flipping years. How this happens I do not know.

If i would have, I would be in Virginia Friday night, and would be able to stay later on Sunday.

But because of my incredibly poor night vision, I'm forbidden to drive in the dark unless I know the roads fairly well. One would think that going back & forth from Carolina to Chesapeake so much over the years I would by now. But no. The last time I attempted the drive I had a panic attack & had to pull over & change seats with Rob. Not fun. Oh, and Rob's not coming. I don't know if you figured that one out yet.
We need apart time. Doesn't everyone?

I talked to a best friend on the phone today. It's so crazy how we can go months without speaking to each other & still be able to pick up exactly where we left off. I'm finding that out with all the people I've ever been really close to. No matter how much time & space elapses things always seem to fall back into place. I'm lucky to still have her friendship after all these years. She is someone who has never judged me on anything in my life, has always been so supportive on all decisions I've made & at the same time will tell me exactly what I need to hear even if I don't want to. 

Life is good.

8 weeks, 1 day.

Reason # 1,893,383,598,688 why I need a new computer: I just wrote a 10 paragraph post that is no longer here. & now I'm going to go stuff my face with mozzarella cheese balls & sour cream while I patiently wait for my husband to get home with the anti-nausea meds.

& FYI, we're having dairy queen ice cream cones with sprinkles for dinner. 

 & By the way, nothing matters, Because I saw my baby's heart beat today.

In three months...

Evan will be three.
I've just realized this. And it's f'n crazytown.

To whom it may concern:

Dear blog,

I'm sorry I neglect you so much.

Even after promising again & again I won't It's just one of many promises I always break.

I have real commitment problems with 90% of the things in my life.

It's hard saying so publicly when I have no idea who is reading. 
I also have always had a real fear of judgement. 

Maybe that's because I've been judged so much in my life that it's hard for me to throw in the i don't care what anyone thinks anymore towel.

Growing up I've started to care less & less, but not enough to say it doesn't effect me at all anymore. 

I think that when you get married & have kids, whichever comes first, people expect you to morph into a different person. While I'm the first to admit I wasn't perfect through high-school, & had a hard time finding myself until halfway through rob & I's relationship, I like the person I am today. And I want my kids to know the real me, not some made up sensored version of me.

A lot of things have been weighing heavily on my heart lately that I feel guilty about.

Not things here at home, but things with friends in the past. Things I didn't even realize until reading about.

There have been many people in my life that I have called "my best friend" few of which actually were.

My first real best friend was probably my cousin. She screwed our family over & that ended abruptly. It was hard for my sister & I because the three of us were inseparable since we were pretty much babies. I soon learned how manipulative she was & was actually relieved to have her out of our lives so my sister & I wouldn't be influenced by her anymore. I blamed her for a lot of the things I did. The way I treated my mom. The attention problems I had. The low self esteem. I forgave her a long time ago but I doubt I will ever forget the pain & problems she caused me and my family. It's hard to see she still talks to my brothers on & off. They never saw or heard much about what she did. They were too young & left in the dark which made sense. She actually even contacted Heidi about getting together about six or so months ago. I guess if she's willing to forgive her enough to be friends or even aquaintances with, I should at least give her a chance. Thinking about being in the same room with her makes me sick to my stomach.

I know the Bible says to love your enemies. But does that mean you can't dislike/never want to see them ever again too? Ugh. Moving on.

So my first non-family related BFF.. We hung out every day it seemed like. While it's hard to remember most of what we did, it being so long ago, i still have fond memories of bike riding down butt's station road, family vacations to ohio (because her parents were my second parents) & sleepovers & boys &light posts & mating calls & everything else in between. She was the big sister I was looking for in my real big sister. & I seemed to have found that in her. She was strong & opinionated & everything I needed at the time. She is married with two babies now. I'm proud of her & thankful for the friendship we shared as kids.

My next bestie was her long distance bestie. Once she moved here we immediately became close. We were all three always together for the longest time. Then of course there was jealousy from each end & things began to get destructive. Such mean little 14 year olds we were. Something about my friendships with these two girls had been inescapable throughout middle & highschool. Sure, there were many, many ups & downs but we all three still managed to hang in there for awhile. It's hard to say whose fault it was that things broke up... I think we all played equal parts in the way things went after high school. I met my now husband, & my priorities 180'd. Yes, there were lots of friends in between, but these two really shaped who I was for years. Unfortunately toward the end of my high school career I met a boy who had quite a few issues at hand. He sorta brought me down with him. Not something I want to talk about. I wish him the best. yada yada..

So back to the story,

Its hard for me to say why things fell apart with us. & truly hard for me to remember. I'm sure you could tell me why. I'm sure there are more than 12 reasons. I'm sure most of them were my fault. I wasn't a good friend. I didn't always know how to be happy for someone when I was unhappy myself. I guess the real word for that would be selfish. That I was. & I know. & I feel like by the time I finally realized that it was too late. & part of me had stopped caring because I thought you did too. & another part of me didn't feel good enough to be your friend anymore. Even though it seemed like that's what you wanted, you had a funny way of showing it sometimes. I'm sure I did too. It's all hard to remember. & Even though we live totally separate lives now I hope you will accept my long awaited apology. & this might all sound weird coming from me when we have been perfectly fine long distance friends since Rob & I got married more than 3 years ago, but I feel like that part was never talked about. &  I needed it to be. Especially after spending 3hours on our old xanga/myspace & lj's last night. So there it is.

   

& That's quite enough for one day.